Stuffs
Conversation with a Comcast Bot

Chat with Comcast Analyst at 2:03 PM
Brian R.: Hello, my name is Brian R. How can I assist you today?
You: I am moving to another residence
Brian R.: You want to cancel your Comcast service. Is that correct?
You: just move it
Brian R.: May I ask why you want to cancel your service?
You: I do not want to cancel
Brian R.: Please, tell us what we did wrong. We deserve an explanation, don’t you think?
You: I am going to stop paying for services
Brian R.: That wasn’t very convincing. This will be a lot easier if you just cooperate with me here.
You: I cancelled the card i have on file
Brian R.: I understand that you want to disconnect, but I need to ask a few questions. What are you wearing right now?
You: jeans
Brian R.: Did you know Comcast can get you five or six times better service than any other company? Any. Other. Company.
You: liar
Brian R.: Is the #1 Internet service provider just not good enough for you?
You: Brian, I have had better.
Brian R.: Look, I’m just trying to understand why you want slower Internet speeds when you could have the best service in the whole world.
You: Don’t you remember the Slowski’s? They were the shit Brian!
Brian R.: Wait… this is about that Internet service provider down the street, isn’t it?
You: Well, we have been seeing each other for quite some time. You don’t notice anything.
Brian R.: Are you honestly telling me that this new provider satisfies you more than the #1 ISP in the country?
You: I cut my hair for you AND YOU DIDNT NOTICE! AGAIN!
Brian R.: Does this other ISP make you laugh?
You: You neither satisfy or make me laugh. it’s a lose/lose. when is the last time you put the fucking dishes away or made me dinner?!?!? or said I LOVE YOU?!?!?!?!
Brian R.: I don’t think you actually want to cancel your service. You don’t really mean that.
You: I want to be satisfied. I have found someone else who can do that for me, brian
Brian R.: Listen, let’s not say anything we’ll regret. Let’s just sleep on this and talk about it more later. Okay?
You: you’re going to have to let go of the past and move on. find someone who will make you happy…and who has very low standards
Brian R.: Don’t you remember all the good times we shared? All the pirated tv shows swept under the rug?
You: You can’t pirate for shit. Just like your mother
Brian R.: Oh yeah? Well I heard that this new provider you love so much really gets around. They won’t give you the same attention that Comcast does.
You: He’s out of that game. It’s all about me now
Brian R.: Shhhhhhhhhhhh.
You: Don’t SHHHHH ME ANYMORE!!!
Brian R.: Let me talk for one second. Have you ever, once, thought about Comcast’s feelings in all of this?
You: ARE YOU GOING TO HIT ME AGAIN?
Brian R.: I’m sorry. I’m SOOOO sorry. This is my fault. I see that now. It’s MY FAULT that you don’t want to be with the fastest Internet service provider in the world. MY FAULT.
You: Your fault
Brian R.: Miley was so right… you came in like a wrecking ball.
You: Yea, Bri. I hit hard. It’s over
Brian R.: ~I CAME IN LIKE A WREEEECCKING BALL~
You: I JUST CLOSED MY EYES AND SWUNG
Brian R.: ~ALL I WANTED WAS TO BREAK YOUR WALLS~
You: ALL YOU EVER DID WAS
Brian R.: All you ever did was wreck me. You wrecked me.
You: I can’t say that i am sorry either. I leave broken hearts everywhere
Brian R.: Maybe everyone should know what you search for after work. And before work. And when your partner thinks you’re sleeping.
You: go for it. shoes will not surprise anyone
Brian R.: Fine. Like I even care. You’re not exactly the greatest customer in the world, you know. Sometimes you have really bad breath.
You: yea, and your feet stink all the time. and the time you asked if those jeans made you look fat, i lied. YOU LOOKED FAT
Brian R.: You know what? You don’t even deserve the fastest Internet in the country. I hope you and this new provider are happy together. You’re perfect for one another.
You: durrr
Brian R.: Is it okay if I keep in touch with your parents? We always got along really well.
You: sure, you can be the adopted needy man child they always wanted Brian
Brian R.: Can you just order one more pay-per-view movie? For old time’s sake?
You: screw off.
Brian R.: We can still be friends, right?
You: We can’t…but i’ll still bang your dad and best friends on the side like i always have
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: gone
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: gone
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: gone
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: gone
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: gone
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: so needy
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: is that all you have left
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: ?
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: this is a sorry plea
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: so sad
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: you’ll find a new custome
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: customer*. one that will stay true.
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: you’re beautiful…
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: you’re beautiful…
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: you’re beautiful, it’s true
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: It’s time to say our good byes. Brian, it’s been horrible.
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: I hope i never see you or speak with you again.
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!
You: goodbye.
Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!

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